Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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