My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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