I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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