Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize