where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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