please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
