just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
