her vagine was all disorganized.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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