Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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