Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
