I'm so fucking centered right now
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
