My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
