Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
