I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
