On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
