Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
