A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
