I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
