I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I want her autograph on my taint
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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