Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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