I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
