Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
