Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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