I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
