i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
