When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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