I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
