I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
