I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize