I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
