At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
