I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
