I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
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