Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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