You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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