Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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