We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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