Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
