Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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