just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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