my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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