If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish you could order shots online.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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