There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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