You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
