I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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