Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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