The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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