i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
