you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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