This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am midnight drunk by noon
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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