if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You are a genius and a whore.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
