Betty ford says i'm here all night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
