If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
