I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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