He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
