you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
