that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize