I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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